Happy new year to all!

One of my new year's resolutions is that I am going to be more accepting of things about myself that I have hated for most of my life.  Here is the list:

• Being very unfocused and distractable and easy overlooking and not picking up on things.
• Being judgmental of myself and others.
• Being easily frustrated and impulsive when challenges arise.
• Feeling like an angry victim when things don't go my way and then giving up on what I want.
• Feeling inferior to most people.
• Being lost in fantasy dreaming of being someone everyone admires.
• Not standing up for myself.
• Being arrogant and feeling superior to certain people.
• Being lost in the need for others to approve of me.
• Being contained and withdrawn and coming across and standoffish.
• Not being socially conscious.
• Being dorky and awkward in social situations.
• Being indecisive.
• Being dishonest and looking to take the easy road.
• Being greedy and never feeling like I have enough money.
• Beating myself up for my mistakes and for everything else I have written here.

The past few days I have been caught up in a whirlwind of anger aat myself and feeling like a pathetic coward who is too weak to even start up a simple conversation with someone.  Just now I reconnected to a sense of being empowered, although it is beyond that concept, just an intuition and knowing in the moment.  I Am.  Not who I believe I and everyone else thinks I should be.  I am me, and it doesn't matter if I say something stupid or dorky to someone, because beyond my own judgment of it has no meaning.  In this moment I can see past my judgment of myself as being a victim and my ego telling me I should have have to deal with any of this nonsense, and just be.  Know that I am enough and just being me is okay.

I am noticing how often I get caught up in a mental rage acting out violent fantasies as a way of unconsciously expressing my anger.  But this only fuels the story that my mind has created around this anger, that I am a victim who has had it worse than everyone else and that everyone else is responsible for my misery.  The solution, just be present with the anger and inner turmoil and recognize that it is not at all personal.  Beyond the story that my mind creates around the emotions, it is just an energy that has nothing to with me, it is just there.  Then my resistance to it all dissolves in that moment and I can just be okay with it.