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August 2009 
What if there is nothing wrong with me?
Posted on Sep 29th, 2008
by 
Alex
Alex
For the longest time, I have lived with the underlying notion that there is something fundamentally wrong with me and have to hide myself from everyone. This has led to a great deal of isolation and feeling inadequate around other people. This sense of self has also led me to constantly look for other things to get involved in that will complete my perceived inadequate self, which always led to more feelings of not being enough and that I am need to work and try harder at whatever I am doing. This has been particularly evident in my spiritual search thus far in my life where I have looked for spiritual practices or techniques to get 'more enlightened and awake', only to constantly feel that there is so much more I have to do.
What I am beginning to realize now is this: The more I try to fix or escape from that feeling of inadequacy, the more I reinforce it as my sense of identity. It has been easy for me in the past to know that fact on an intellectual level, but subtly still try to escape from it or fix it whenever is has arised in the moment. Now I am learning to just be present with that feeling and gently recognize that is not who I am. Even if I get caught up in believing in that false sense of identity, which I still frequently do, thats not a further confirmation that is there is actually something wrong with me. In this moment, what if that feeling is just not true?
What I am beginning to realize now is this: The more I try to fix or escape from that feeling of inadequacy, the more I reinforce it as my sense of identity. It has been easy for me in the past to know that fact on an intellectual level, but subtly still try to escape from it or fix it whenever is has arised in the moment. Now I am learning to just be present with that feeling and gently recognize that is not who I am. Even if I get caught up in believing in that false sense of identity, which I still frequently do, thats not a further confirmation that is there is actually something wrong with me. In this moment, what if that feeling is just not true?
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Hi Alex. When reading your blog it brought back a lot of memories because a part of me used to feel like there was something fundamentally wrong with me….and I was always trying to change it, fix it, heal it. Anything to get to feeling right with the world. It took a 20 year spiritual journey to get to the place where you are opening up to now.
That place of just being present with the feeling and gently realizing that it's not you. Oh you are so lucky to have discovered this practice! Are you familiar with Byron Katie or Eckhart Tolle? Sounds like you might be, as they suggest practices that help in similar ways.
The key may be doing it a hundred times. Or a thousand. Or twenty years. Or maybe tomorrow you'll wake up and laugh, knowing that there was never anything fundamentally wrong with you….it was just the mind that thought so.
Blessings to you as you do the work!
Glad you blogged about this, Alex. I think that many people here have had and continue to have similar feelings. Gaia is definitely a safe and comfortable place to explore this.
I applaud you for sharing so much of yourself in your first blog. It shows that you're open, brave, willing and ready to dig in. I wish you the best as you take this journey…and I look forward to hearing/seeing more.
We have all struggled with this feeling on not being good enough, of having to fix something, becoming more fit, skinnier, work more……. but in the end we have to realise that we are perfect just the way we are.
This does not mean that we can not look at ourselves with honesty, and that there are not some things we need to change to go further on our path, The greatest shift is in the fact that this looking is done without any judgement. Then the change is happening because something deep inside us is emerging. Not because we confirm ourselves through the looks, praises and judgments from the outside.
Namaste