B-Day Presence

Well its my birthday today and tobe honest, like the last few years it hasn't had all that much significance for me.  Its nice to get presents and cards and attention from family, friends on colleagues, but as far as I'm concerned, its really just another day.  Or rather, now that I've been deepening into presence, its just this moment where time is meaningless.

One thing that has been coming up for me a lot lately is how I am entangled in other people and how my mind has always benn analyzing how other people perceive me to the point where I have been completely contained and almost robotic.  It has always been incredibly annoying and limiting in terms of me just being able to be loose and myself around other people and have a real social life.  Like today on my bday, I do not have many friends here in New Haven that I can celebrate with, which brings up a bit of sadness and anger.  My ego keeps telling me that I need to start taking more steps to confront this, by talking to more random strangers and facing the fear and anxiety and shame head on.  But, my mind is also trying to get rid of it because it sees it as a problem, and the more I try to get rid of it, the more I just reinforce it.  If I can't be comfortable looking out for acceptance, then I will just keep on looking out and hating myself for it the rest of my life. 

So, I am desperate to be accepted by others and afraid of doing anything about it.  That is my reality and right now I can be okay with that.