Is it just me, or does it feel great to feel like an angry victim?  The feeling of being helpless and powerless and then feeling fully righteous in blaming everyone else for it.  It is a sticky tarpit that I get caught in all the time, and now I am in the process of learning how to just be okay with that and recognize it for the sob story that it is.  Just another illusion for me to get caught up in and keep me out of the present moment.

I am noticing how often I get caught up in a mental rage acting out violent fantasies as a way of unconsciously expressing my anger.  But this only fuels the story that my mind has created around this anger, that I am a victim who has had it worse than everyone else and that everyone else is responsible for my misery.  The solution, just be present with the anger and inner turmoil and recognize that it is not at all personal.  Beyond the story that my mind creates around the emotions, it is just an energy that has nothing to with me, it is just there.  Then my resistance to it all dissolves in that moment and I can just be okay with it.

The past few days I have been caught up in a whirlwind of anger aat myself and feeling like a pathetic coward who is too weak to even start up a simple conversation with someone.  Just now I reconnected to a sense of being empowered, although it is beyond that concept, just an intuition and knowing in the moment.  I Am.  Not who I believe I and everyone else thinks I should be.  I am me, and it doesn't matter if I say something stupid or dorky to someone, because beyond my own judgment of it has no meaning.  In this moment I can see past my judgment of myself as being a victim and my ego telling me I should have have to deal with any of this nonsense, and just be.  Know that I am enough and just being me is okay.

Happy new year to all!

One of my new year's resolutions is that I am going to be more accepting of things about myself that I have hated for most of my life.  Here is the list:

• Being very unfocused and distractable and easy overlooking and not picking up on things.
• Being judgmental of myself and others.
• Being easily frustrated and impulsive when challenges arise.
• Feeling like an angry victim when things don't go my way and then giving up on what I want.
• Feeling inferior to most people.
• Being lost in fantasy dreaming of being someone everyone admires.
• Not standing up for myself.
• Being arrogant and feeling superior to certain people.
• Being lost in the need for others to approve of me.
• Being contained and withdrawn and coming across and standoffish.
• Not being socially conscious.
• Being dorky and awkward in social situations.
• Being indecisive.
• Being dishonest and looking to take the easy road.
• Being greedy and never feeling like I have enough money.
• Beating myself up for my mistakes and for everything else I have written here.

Well its my birthday today and tobe honest, like the last few years it hasn't had all that much significance for me.  Its nice to get presents and cards and attention from family, friends on colleagues, but as far as I'm concerned, its really just another day.  Or rather, now that I've been deepening into presence, its just this moment where time is meaningless.

One thing that has been coming up for me a lot lately is how I am entangled in other people and how my mind has always benn analyzing how other people perceive me to the point where I have been completely contained and almost robotic.  It has always been incredibly annoying and limiting in terms of me just being able to be loose and myself around other people and have a real social life.  Like today on my bday, I do not have many friends here in New Haven that I can celebrate with, which brings up a bit of sadness and anger.  My ego keeps telling me that I need to start taking more steps to confront this, by talking to more random strangers and facing the fear and anxiety and shame head on.  But, my mind is also trying to get rid of it because it sees it as a problem, and the more I try to get rid of it, the more I just reinforce it.  If I can't be comfortable looking out for acceptance, then I will just keep on looking out and hating myself for it the rest of my life. 

So, I am desperate to be accepted by others and afraid of doing anything about it.  That is my reality and right now I can be okay with that.

One sneaky trick of my ego that has been keeping me out of the present moment for a long time is this.  It tries to find the right way to be present, which is impossible since the ego/mind is always past/future.  Then whenever I remember to be present, it judges me for all the time I had just spend lost in thought, which is just more thought pulling me back into the mind.  What a clever little SOB!!

I realize that resisting this tactic just reinforces my ego and the judgment, so I am learning to be compassionate and even grateful towards it when I catch it doing this.  After all, it is a pretty ingenious way of keeping me safe in the mind and away from all the 'dangers' that might exist in the present moment.  Thank you ego for your protection, but those dangers are just delusions created by you to pull me back into the mind (another great trick).  You can do your thing, but I've got my peaceful eye on you now!

The one major thing I am focusing on right now is stripping away my attachments to things outside of myself that will fill the void.  And it hasn't been easy.  One thing that I got a bit hooked on that I just quit cold turkey was brainwave entrainment cd's.  I had purchased a program from the Centerpointe Research Institute which has cd's that use sound technology to induce brainwave states of meditation and relaxation.  They market it is as the lazy man's way of meditating.  They also claim that it causes the brain to form new neural pathways that over time synchronize the two hemispheres of the brain.  However, I read some independent research that claims that it is not widely accepted by the medical field and the technology is still controversial.  If anyone on here knows more about it, I would appreciate any feedback because I would like to learn more about it

But, aside from whether it is beneficial or not, I realized that I was getting addicted to it because it was something for my ego to latch onto.  It reinforced the delusion of the promise of future fulfillment and I was actually ready to buy the whole program because of this.  The entire program takes close to ten years to complete, so I got caught up in dreaming about hwo much more enlightened I would be in ten years after completing it.  I decided to send it back because of this, and now my ego is not happy and wants something else to fill the void.

So, I am just working on entering into the void instead of trying to cover it up and hide from it.

One of the sayings that pisses me off the most is "Welcome to the real world".  I heard it from my parents more than a few times growing up and it has been a source of confusion for me on my spiritual path thus far.  What I am learning now about the real world in the present moment is that it is peaceful and full of love and compassion.  And, that it requires being fully vulnerable to experience it directly.  But, the world that most people are referring to when they say "Welcome to the real world" is full of struggle, suffering, and where being vulnerable is a sign of weakness.  In this unconscious world, getting the job done and living up to certain expectations become more important than well-being and being who you really are.

One of the challenges I have faced is constantly feeling like I am not living up to others' expectations and that I need to be "stronger" and more grown up.  This of course ties into the feeling that there is something fundamentally wrong with me that I already blogged about, so I frequently feel like I need to get a more challenging job or start pushing myself to do more with my life.  But, looking at some of the choices I have made in the past, following this urge from my ego only leads me into situations that are not only overwhelming, but also ones that I don't really want to be in in the first place, but feel like I have to be in them or I am not doing enough.

So, right now I am just going to allow that feeling of not doing enough and remember that I don't have to live in the "real world".

This certainly is the mother of all questions.  It is also the question I have most tried to avoid in my life thus far and is something I am challenging myself to explore here on Gaia.  In reading the material of Eckhart Tolle and other presence authors, I realize that my ego is constantly trying to avoid this question.  I always feel anger and fear whenever I am challenged to contemplate this, because I am afraid that I will have nothing to say and not answer it the 'right way'.  I am reminded of the group therapy scene in Anger Management when Jack Nicholson asks Adam Sandler to tell the group who he is.  Sandler proceeds to start telling them what he does for for a living, and then aspects of his personality, and each time Jack cuts him off and says, "no, tell us who you are", and Sandler's anger starts to boil over.  Eventually Sandler blows up and shouts, "I DON'T KNOW WHAT THE HELL YOU WANT ME TO SAY!!!".

The truth is I don't really know how to answer this, and I don't even know if this question can really be answered.  Taking from the teachings I have read, Who I am is beyond form and content, so any attempt to describe it is just the ego.  Regardless, I'll give a shot now:

Deep down I am a kindhearted person and very sensitive to others.  I am willing to listen without judgement and be honest.   I have a lot of inner wisdom and strength; and an adventurous spirit.  However, I am seldom in touch with these qualities because I have a great deal of fear, anger and a very negative 'ego story' that masks them.  In this story, I believe that I am incompetant, inferior, and a coward; so I often hide myself from others or put up a phony mask to avoid having this story confirmed.  I constantly look for things outside of myself that will complete me and am always looking for acceptance from other people (even though I believe I will never get it).  I am terrified of fully feeling my repressed anger and hurt because I believe I will not be able to handle it and thus further confirm my negative story.

Does this describe who I am? I dunno.  But I feel its an honest place to start.

Thanks to those who commented on my first blog entry.  I appreciate your input.  I also wanted to share that about a week and a half ago I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder, which was surprising at first but does explain a lot of the emotional difficulties I have dealt with.  Since the revelation, I have been feeling much more compassion for myself and not being as hard on myself about things, but I am also a bit worried about the possibility that I will identify with having bipolar and hiding behind that sense of identity to avoid taking true responsibility for myself.  I also started taking a mood stabilizer and worry a bit about whether I will use it as a crutch once it starts to take effect in a few weeks.

However, in moments of presence, I can realize that to worry about this is pointless, because if I try to stop myself from identifying with this, then I will just reinforce it.  Its the same thing as trying to stop myself from feeling that there is something wrong with me.  Its just the ego trying to stop itself from being a resistant ego, which is just more ego and can only lead to more resistance.  So, in the moment I can just allow all of this to be there without trying to get rid of it.  We will see how this goes....